I Hate Words

I have been away from my blog for a while, maybe I needed the space, I don't know. I suppose I'll start as I usually do by posing a question and continue form their.

Do you ever get the feeling you are always wrong?

I do, but I spend so much of my time trying to do and say the right thing and never getting anywhere. I am asked on a daily basis for help, insight, a point of view or just to listen while one or more of my friends pours their heart out to me. Sometimes it’s trivial but for the life of them they can't see the woods for the trees and a different stance is all they need, others need me to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in with some of their deepest problems. Either way I am happy to help.

The Irony of this entire situation is that no matter how hard I try to sort the situation, no matter how genuine and sincere I am about my point of view, I always seem to end up the target of their pent up frustration. The latest example, and by no means is this an attack on her, but I was sitting in a cafe with a dear friend of mine, I had just been Christmas shopping with her and had just sat down in a cafe. I had bought a coffee for me and a cookie and glass of milk for her. Currently she is going through a transition, and she was telling me that she was worried about how difficult it was going to be. I piped up and said "I'm sure it'll be easier than you think", fair enough its not the most effective piece of advice I have ever given anyone and it is pretty generic but in a way it summed up all I wanted to say to her. I genuinely knew that it was going to be hard for her; I knew that at times she was going to struggle with it but in the midst of all that I knew she was going to battle on through it. I knew she was going to find a way to make it work and in the end when she looked back at the entire situation she would be a better, stronger, more able individual because of it. In my belief that she is able to conquer these things I truly figured that she would look back and think that it wasn't so tough.

She dismissed my answer as if I had read it in a book entitled "how to diffuse annoying women with issues". She said "you can't just gloss over things with pat answers", but it genuinely wasn't.

I suppose I could have said all these things to her at the time but I just couldn't, I took it on the chin and moved on.

I hate words; they are so easily misconstrued and confused.

There is a distinct difference between kneeling down and bending over!

What a great title huh? It’s a lyric in one of my favourite Frank Zappa songs and it's so true. This post is a continuation of my post about the Christian Paradigm. When do you figure that the sacrifices you make to others as an example of your faith in GOD (the kneeling part) becomes just a routine exercise in them taking full advantage of you (the bending over part).

Can the message be so easily lost on others?

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle, sacrificing myself, my pleasure and even my happiness to guarantee the happiness of others. Its soul destroying watching my friends knowingly take advantage of me because it’s in their interest to do so without regard for me or my feelings. For a while it didn't bother me, I knew that what I was doing was right in the eyes of GOD. Leading by example, leading by being subservient to others trying to demonstrate the good in me that GOD has brought out, to show people that His power can work in all of us. Hey, it worked for me!

I was standing in EGO at a club night called VIBE; I had been abandoned for the third time as all the girls went outside to smoke. I was holding at least four pint glasses and I was being knocked into every 5 seconds. I thought to myself, I really don't want to be here, I don't like the music, the atmosphere, the smell or the fact that I am constantly being ignored. Maybe the messaging I am trying to convey is being lost and I am just a drinks holder for when they need a cigarette.

I think I was more hurt that my efforts had been lost to them instead of my own sorrow of being abandoned in a loud club that I loathe.

This Christian thing is tough, and at times, I'll be honest I am lost and confused. I know GOD is working his magic over me and I trust him. I suppose that is all I can do.

Changing my life.

I suppose I have always wanted to have a life changing experience. Like the ones you hear about in "Take a Break" magazine. It always takes a catalyst to jump start someone’s life again and they can take it in a direction they never thought possible. I always thought that finding your hidden depths was something I needed.

But, you know what’s odd?

I have already had mine. I've already met her. I know it sounds strange but life changing experiences come to different people in a lot of different ways. I have been meaning to blog about this for a while but until now the words have escaped me.

Her name is Eleanor Macklin; she is the single most beautiful person I have ever met. No doubt her modesty will disagree with some of things I'm going to write here and mildly embarrass her knowing this is being broadcast to the world, or at least to the unlucky few who read this blog. Ellie is amazing, I met her just over a month ago and in that time I have had my entire world turned upside down and inside out. Who would have thought that one of my little brother’s friends would have challenged me so much to have to recalculate my entire world image?

One thing I haven't been brave enough to do in person is thank her, I mean properly. One thing she doesn't know is she alone handed me my faith back. After a day out we got back to her flat and we sat in her room, I was puzzled how a girl of such intellect and obvious logical background (being a chemical engineer and all) could put so much faith into something I had never seen or felt before, GOD. We sat and talked for hours about him, every time she said something that I disagreed with I jumped on it, trying desperately to punch holes in her faith. I wanted to know that I was right, I suppose I wanted to know that the last 22 years of my life hadn't been wasted and the loneliness that I had felt at times in my life couldn't have been made any better by filling my head with non sense. But time and time again I was knocked back, every question had an answer, not only that it had an explanation. It was as if I was setting a test she had been studying for her whole life. The worst part was every word made sense and unlike most Christians I have ever met the words were not hollow, they all had depth, every word had been lived and it hadn't been easy. I left her flat not feeling conquered but definitely confused.

I had arranged to draw Ellie's portrait for her 21st Birthday (which I am still working on honey, if you are reading this) so the night after our conversation I was thinking of how I was to approach it. Usually I take into consideration all of the things I know about a given person, hobbies, interests, study, friends, whatever. So I was lying in bed having an insomnia moment and considering Ellie and her life and how I was to draw her, I knew she liked horses, it was great to see her face light up with this amazing smile when she starts about horses, and she fostered cats, and she is a Christian. That last one echoed around in my head for ages, and something happened that night that I not ever going to try and explain. Turns out Ellie was praying for me. My faith was kind of guaranteed from that point on.

Ellie has come from a place that I can't even imagine her being in, she has been pretty far from god at times and in the knowledge that she has returned to him is pretty amazing, more than that, astonishing. I know that I would have given him up so easily if I were in her shoes. She is so strong and has so much love, for God and for everyone, yes she bitches a bit about this or that but deep down she doesn't mean it. She is so amazingly pure, I don't know if you understand what I am trying to say with that word but if you met her you would understand.

One day I intend to be just like her, she is my inspiration and my dearest friend.

I know GOD is so proud of her, she never ceases to amaze me, I love her loads.

Some observations on the Christian Paradigm

Sorry babeI would have posted this yesterday if it wasn't for my router playing up, stupid technology!

I have been having a rough week; I have been needed by anyone and everyone, from little tiny problems to massive big ones. And following on from the week I had where I found out how terrible I can be as a person, I wasn’t very thankful to the big guy. Talk about being overwhelmed! I Prayed and asked for guidance and most of all strength, which at times where forthcoming, other times I was sure he just wanted me to run on my own steam. But all the problems where resolved or are now better and it feels great knowing I had helped in its facilitation, but by Saturday, I was drained, emotional and grumpy, I couldn’t see how I would be much use to God in this state.
I hooked up with one of my best pals on Sunday to head to church and low and behold the sermon was about my whole week, it was about the Paradigm of the Christian faith.

You must be counter active against social norms to get where you want to go, it sounds crazy, but it actually works!

If you want to lead you must learn how to follow,

If you want to be free you must be a slave to god,

If you want to live you must die,

Let me explain, the sermon was about how we as Christians must “die” in three ways everyday to get closer to god.

We must die to ourselves: give up sin and pleasures of the flesh

We must die to our friends: Place people above ourselves to set an example of our faith
(I have to make mention that this is not strictly true, we have to die to others, not just our friends. That observation comes from my awesome friend Ellie, see the comments)

We must die to live: Follow the previous examples to set yourself free.

I reckon last week was a test. I hope I did OK. I suppose I’ll get the marks back when I die.

What is this Blog about?

OK, the first post was stupid. I just needed one under my belt before I could get down to what this blog is really about. This entire purpose of this blog is to set down how I am dealing with my new relationship with GOD. I love him, he is great, we hang out and chat about love, life, girls, bad movies we have seen (believe me, he seen them all) and although I disagree with him on some of the minor things, like, “sandals are cool”, we get on really really well.

The other week I was having one of our little chats and he said, “Look dude, I’m going to have to do something. You ain’t going to like it one bit, but God has to do what God has to do, right?” So I was like “Yeah, fire away man, we’re friends?” What could the dude that has done nothing wrong, ever! Do to upset me?

Well a lot actually,

He went away, I was sat up in bed just reading a book and he came back, but this time with files and files of paper, huge binders and index’s. I said “You’re not becoming an accountant are you? That would suck. My street cred, or what ever I have left of it would be gone. My god would be devoid of personality!” He said “Hold up dude, stop skipping ahead, I created accountants don’t ever think I’m going to become one!”

He handed me the first pad, it was kinda thin and was constructed with hand made paper, it had my name on it. He said “These are all the beautiful things you have done in your life,” There where pictures and newspaper cuttings all perfectly aligned, notes and doodles, my favourite jokes from when I was five. “I said did you do this for me?” I was embarrassed, no one had really taken that much time to know me, or at least do something half as nice as that. I flicked through the pages and I was taken back to a place where things where so much easier, it was awesome. He said “You see, you have an amazing ability to please people, you are doing OK kid”. He handed me the next one “You’re not going to like this one quite so much” I opened the pages of this book to find ever insult and malicious remark people have made about me, every face of every bully that every hurt me, every scolding remark my parents said to me, a note of every place I had been hit, bruised or assaulted.

“I thought I had forgotten all that” I said weeping into my pillow, “You can again, don’t worry, now think how I feel, I never forget your pain, I never forget the people who hurt you. It pains me everyday.” I milked it a little longer, and plus my pillow smelt good, don’t ask why.

“Now this is the one you’re really going to hate” It was a mammoth publication, I opened the book, and there it was, my whole life, everyday I had spent without god, 22 years alone, fumbling blindly. Every word I had said in anger, every thought dedicated to sin, every swear word, every moment of anger and hatred noted on a second to second account. I could see how my actions then had hurt people, worst of all the people I loved. I was inconsolable; he just sat and held me as I wept. When I was almost done he turned to me and said “I’m writing a new book” by this time I was covered in snot and tears and looked a state, “Its about your life from now on, its everyday you are going to spend in my love”, “even the snot, tears and boogers?” I asked. “That’s how it starts dude”

I met the King of the Gypsies the other night

No word of a lie, I did. His name is Hog, I think they name their royal dignitaries after their favourite livestock but apart from that he's an awesome guy. You can tell he has had a blessed gypsy life, he probably grew up living with a family of elves in a tree as part of the gypsy initiation, and when he returned triumphant after trapping the goblin that had been licking their hens out by the wig wam in Sainsbury’s car park, he was welcomed as a hero, showered with pixie dust freshly squeezed that morning no doubt and given a leprechaun as his bride.

So how did I get to meet such a mysterious character? That’s a good question. He is a friend of a friend, and I'm sure their meeting was pre empted by the gypsy elders when they encourage their King to seek the highest possible knowledge, that of chemical engineering at Herriot Watt University. That’s right; the King of the Gypsies is a student, how crazy is that? But I am glad he has not lost his gypsy ways, despite his best efforts to become civilised I could clearly see he was attracted to shiny things and marvelled at their twinkly magic.

Keep an eye out for him, if you see him bow down and say "King of the Gyspies, do not curse me with your wicked gypsy magic, for I do not want to grow eyebrows on my cheeks or smell like a cattle farmer. I am just civilised and unaccustomed to your ways" he will understand and if you are lucky he may even give you a toad that he has decorated with pasta and PVA glue.